Butter Wouldn’t Melt…

On noting the lack of butter
He drew in his breath and did utter
Using a ribald word from the gutter
You lazy beeping cow
How do I eat my toast now?

The wife all serene
Still thinking of Dean
Passed the margarine

Their hour spent in bed
Went straight to her head
And the last of the spread?

Just think Last Tango in Paris

Written using the prompt word RIBALD from Your Daily Word Prompt

Blank Page Syndrome

Murderer of ideas, am I
As they languish in anguish
I euthanize and gorgonize
Until only doubt thrives
In this wasteland where
Seeds remain ungrown
In the sterile soil
So hostile to cultivation
It gives me mental constipation
Writer’s block is a soul-sapping cock

Written using these daily prompts:
Your Daily Word Prompt (Anguish)
Word of the Day Prompt (Gorgonize)

The Merry Widow

“Mum, a naked man just walked past the kitchen window.”

“Does he have only one testicle?” asked Dora.

“I didn’t look that closely.” Janice spun around in shock. “How many naked men have you had in your garden?”

“A cup of tea, dear?” Dora giggled and poured milk into their cups.

“The tea goes in first.” Janice tutted and pulled her chair out from under the table, scraping it along the floor.

“Mind the lino,” murmured Dora.

“Sod the lino! What is that man doing gallivanting around in the buff in your garden?”

“I said he could. Biscuit? Oh, I keep forgetting about your latest diet. You see, his place is overlooked by the nursery school, so he couldn’t do it there.”

“But what’s he actually doing?”

“Probably one of his rain dances. He has fanciful notions like that. But I do enjoy Desmond’s company.” Dora reached over and patted Janice’s hand. “Your father would have liked him.”

“Really?”

“It’s lovely to have a man about the place again. No one can replace Ted, but Des is so sweet. He put up my new shelves and fixed the leaky bathroom tap.”

“Not in the nude, I hope.”

“Don’t be silly, far too dangerous. Why do you think he’s only got one ball?”

“Mother!”

“He wore my cooking apron and a pair of rigger boots.”

A pounding on the patio door made them both jump. Desmond stood there with only a Union Jack flag covering his glory.

“Dora, my love,” he called. “I think it’s worked.” He waved the flag at them as he skipped backwards.

Janice sat there with her mouth open. Something wasn’t right here.

“You’ll catch flies that way,” laughed her mother. “Come on, get undressed and let’s dance naked in the rain.”

“You must be joking!”

“Don’t be such a stick in the mud.” Dora was already down to her petticoat.

Janice picked up her handbag. “I’m sorry, mother, but I’m going now.”

“Your loss.” Dora gave her a hug and a kiss. “Goodbye, darling.”

Janice was halfway down the drive before she realised Desmond had two testicles.


Written using these daily prompts:
Three Things Challenge (POUND SCRAPE BUFF)
The Daily Spur (Union)
Your Daily Word Prompt (Gallivant)

Write on Time

A piece of short fiction inspired by, but not actually using, the word TARDY from Your Daily Word Prompt.


Gone ten, I should be at my desk by nine. Right, I’ll leave the dishes and forget about the laundry. But this room is thick with dust, and there are biscuit crumbs everywhere.

Eleven o’clock! How did that happen? Time to sit down and finish chapter two. Do not check emails. Ignore Twitter and the cute cat gifs. And on no account go anywhere near Facebook.

Lunchtime, already. I could eat a quick sandwich in the kitchen, but I’m out of bread, and they do all-day breakfasts at the café on Thursdays.

Oh my, it’s gone two, but I needed that break; this story is a pain to write. I don’t know enough about budgerigars. Maybe I should google them.

That was interesting, but perhaps a parrot will make a better plot device.

Four o’clock, the kids will be home from school soon and I have nothing for their tea. They’ll have to make do with takeaway pizza, again. I’ll do a couple of hours after they go to bed.

Nearly midnight, but there were only two episodes of Poirot left to watch. And I had to know who did it!

I am so tired now, I think I’ll go to bed and start afresh tomorrow.

One Night Stunned

“You wanna drink, little lady?”
As she turned to reject his advances, her homely face lit up with a smiling welcome. Woah, but this guy was sexy as hell.
“How about a Slow Comfortable Screw?” she said, giving him her best Lauren Bacall look. “Or Sex on the Beach?”
“You bodacious little strumpet!” He laughed and lifted her hand to his lips.
Hot breath sent her erogenous zones into overdrive.
“Grab your coat,” she gasped. “You’ve pulled.”
Twenty minutes later, she was pregnant.
Shame he furnished her with a fake phone number.

Written using these daily prompts:
Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (pregnant)

Ragtag Daily Prompt (erogenous)
Three Things Challenge (homely, welcome, smiling)
Word of the Day Challenge (furnish)
Your Daily Word Prompt (bodacious)